You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We need to rekindle our bromance
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
