a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Randomize
