I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
