Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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