Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
