The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
