I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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