I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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