My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Randomize
