ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize