i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize