I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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