ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
