I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize