I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
