What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
