they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
