You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
