Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
