I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize