that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
