I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My pussy is not your playground.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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