Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
