I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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