She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
