It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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