Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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