life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
