uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
