So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
