I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
