today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
