So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
