Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
