the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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