So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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