the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
