it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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