I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
