remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
