This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
