So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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