New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
