All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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