I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
