I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize