I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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