I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
