I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
