There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
