So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
...so i touched it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
