saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
