Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
