do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
