Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
