I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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