Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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