Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
