Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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