I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize