my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
