My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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