mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
