We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
