Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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